I switched on the computer followed by a very strong erg of writing something, describing a feeling, painting an emotional situation and hurting with the words representing paid. There is something inside waiting to pour out in a stream of words, expressions and meaningless spaces between the words … but somehow it all is waiting still ….
It is snowing… snowing against all odds. It’s the middle of April covered by snow and touched by the strong hands of the cold wind…
“I feel lonely and cold without you even in spring” can be true today, even if you take it literallyJ Snowing … now even the prettiest flowers in her garden are frozen, they will die soon unable to fight back the cold with their beauty. Beauty is always useful and pleasant, but even that can’t help innocent flowers, they are helpless just the same.
Another martini… she sips again enjoying every single drop of it and hoping that soon she’ll sink into pleasant dizziness and escape the reality. Dark room, martini and a loud music in the earphones… She just needs to close her eyes and be far away, and be someone else. Close the eyes and start living instead of just existing. Existing is easy, everyone can do it, it’s just an instinct we follow, willing or unwilling.
Imagination starts to flow, the reality is getting unclear and peace overcomes everything else…no worries, no regrets…nothing, just a clean sheet of paper to work on, start everything from scratch.
The phone rings, the reality violently gets back, chasing away everything else and standing affront of her strong and proud of itself. She didn’t complain though. Her reality is not as ugly as realities may sometimes be … it’s not a model, but anyway she can bear itJ
She picks up the phone, it’s not for her. She recalls the times whet it was always for her, when everything was for her.
Some faces enter the memory and pass one after another. It has been a long time, they can’t provoke feelings anymore.
Thinking that enough time has passed and now she is strong and/or frozen enough to test herself, she remembers the face she had spent few years to forget. Now it all came back to her, every detail… every event … even the feelings came back … after all she hasn’t been frozen enough. It’s getting scary, it’s not only the face anymore …she feels her sent, no matter how incredible it seems. Maybe she shouldn’t drink so many martinis after all.
All the memories come back to her, even the smallest detail causes so many strong emotions that now she is able to feel him in her room. Even her throat is getting dry now.
Who said “love makes things better?” Where did that expression come from? She wrote it in the very last valentine’s card she wrote … to the very last guy she loved. Did it make her life better? Not really, at least not for long. Once love was gone, it took all it brought with it plus everything nice and pure it could find in her soul. Love left her empty and she ended up crying not for the loss of that very last guy (he was just a bastard anyway), but for the loss of the Love itself. Then, slowly, year after year she overcame the loneliness and lack of love, became stronger, independent and at some point she didn’t need anyone anymore. The point came when she realized, that maybe after all she didn’t know what the love was about and why did it get into people’s life sometimes, and what she could never understand was why did love leave after it came itself, without having anyone waiting for it.
It’s just another trick of life, life gives you something you never had, lets you have it for long enough for you to realize that it is important to you and then takes it away and makes you understand that it was far more important to you than you thought it was. Smart a? That’s why people end up living carefully and closed up in themselves, without letting anything become important.
She wasn’t careful in the beginning .. she even made a bigger mistake. She gave the guy more importance than he deserved. And now all she can do is drink martini and try not to think about the past and the choices she made. After the loss, she chose never to get emotionally attached to anything or God forbid anyone.
The memories don’t seem to cease. It seems like they want to make up for all those years they were closed far away and never called back. The lst good bye night hits her…. Knowing that she will never see him again, knowing that even if she does it won’t be the same person because she of him won’t feel the love anymore by that time. Did she love him enough anyway? If she did, she could just give up everything and stay with him, but she didn’t even consider that option.
A dark, stuck elevator seemed like heaven, though it looked more like hell… The last touches, kisses and whispers in her ear. At least he was smart enough not to promise anything and she was smart enough not to expect promises. She can still feel that crying inside her, just like it did there and then. She was crying, though her eyes were dry. It’s even worse to cry within, it’s a non stop crying with permanent tears. They never dry out because they never get wet…
Why did she bring all that up again, finally it all had staid in the bottom. Maybe because it did not belong there, she thought.
She got the desire to pick up the phone and dial the number she knew by heart before, but now she had to take out her 3 year old agenda for that. But what was she supposed to tell?
She had changed since then so much… there is nothing left from the innocent, sincere, shy, pure, adoring, emotional and weak person. She was different now. His sweet talk would not move her anymore, in fact nothing would move her anymore…nothing and no one.
Only the memories, but they can’t harm, time takes care of then, now they can’t come back….
It is snowing… snowing against all odds. It’s the middle of April covered by snow and touched by the strong hands of the cold wind…
“I feel lonely and cold without you even in spring” can be true today, even if you take it literallyJ Snowing … now even the prettiest flowers in her garden are frozen, they will die soon unable to fight back the cold with their beauty. Beauty is always useful and pleasant, but even that can’t help innocent flowers, they are helpless just the same.
Another martini… she sips again enjoying every single drop of it and hoping that soon she’ll sink into pleasant dizziness and escape the reality. Dark room, martini and a loud music in the earphones… She just needs to close her eyes and be far away, and be someone else. Close the eyes and start living instead of just existing. Existing is easy, everyone can do it, it’s just an instinct we follow, willing or unwilling.
Imagination starts to flow, the reality is getting unclear and peace overcomes everything else…no worries, no regrets…nothing, just a clean sheet of paper to work on, start everything from scratch.
The phone rings, the reality violently gets back, chasing away everything else and standing affront of her strong and proud of itself. She didn’t complain though. Her reality is not as ugly as realities may sometimes be … it’s not a model, but anyway she can bear itJ
She picks up the phone, it’s not for her. She recalls the times whet it was always for her, when everything was for her.
Some faces enter the memory and pass one after another. It has been a long time, they can’t provoke feelings anymore.
Thinking that enough time has passed and now she is strong and/or frozen enough to test herself, she remembers the face she had spent few years to forget. Now it all came back to her, every detail… every event … even the feelings came back … after all she hasn’t been frozen enough. It’s getting scary, it’s not only the face anymore …she feels her sent, no matter how incredible it seems. Maybe she shouldn’t drink so many martinis after all.
All the memories come back to her, even the smallest detail causes so many strong emotions that now she is able to feel him in her room. Even her throat is getting dry now.
Who said “love makes things better?” Where did that expression come from? She wrote it in the very last valentine’s card she wrote … to the very last guy she loved. Did it make her life better? Not really, at least not for long. Once love was gone, it took all it brought with it plus everything nice and pure it could find in her soul. Love left her empty and she ended up crying not for the loss of that very last guy (he was just a bastard anyway), but for the loss of the Love itself. Then, slowly, year after year she overcame the loneliness and lack of love, became stronger, independent and at some point she didn’t need anyone anymore. The point came when she realized, that maybe after all she didn’t know what the love was about and why did it get into people’s life sometimes, and what she could never understand was why did love leave after it came itself, without having anyone waiting for it.
It’s just another trick of life, life gives you something you never had, lets you have it for long enough for you to realize that it is important to you and then takes it away and makes you understand that it was far more important to you than you thought it was. Smart a? That’s why people end up living carefully and closed up in themselves, without letting anything become important.
She wasn’t careful in the beginning .. she even made a bigger mistake. She gave the guy more importance than he deserved. And now all she can do is drink martini and try not to think about the past and the choices she made. After the loss, she chose never to get emotionally attached to anything or God forbid anyone.
The memories don’t seem to cease. It seems like they want to make up for all those years they were closed far away and never called back. The lst good bye night hits her…. Knowing that she will never see him again, knowing that even if she does it won’t be the same person because she of him won’t feel the love anymore by that time. Did she love him enough anyway? If she did, she could just give up everything and stay with him, but she didn’t even consider that option.
A dark, stuck elevator seemed like heaven, though it looked more like hell… The last touches, kisses and whispers in her ear. At least he was smart enough not to promise anything and she was smart enough not to expect promises. She can still feel that crying inside her, just like it did there and then. She was crying, though her eyes were dry. It’s even worse to cry within, it’s a non stop crying with permanent tears. They never dry out because they never get wet…
Why did she bring all that up again, finally it all had staid in the bottom. Maybe because it did not belong there, she thought.
She got the desire to pick up the phone and dial the number she knew by heart before, but now she had to take out her 3 year old agenda for that. But what was she supposed to tell?
She had changed since then so much… there is nothing left from the innocent, sincere, shy, pure, adoring, emotional and weak person. She was different now. His sweet talk would not move her anymore, in fact nothing would move her anymore…nothing and no one.
Only the memories, but they can’t harm, time takes care of then, now they can’t come back….
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